- "Bigot!"/"Racist!" -- "I don't have a real argument to back my position."
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"I'll be right out of the store. I'm only picking up a couple of things." -- "I hope you brought a long book."
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"You didn't get my e-mail? That's weird." -- "I forgot all about sending the e-mail."
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"Multiculturalism" -- "An inability to make grownup judgments regarding the moral nature of beliefs and actions; moral mushiness."
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"Diversity" -- See above.
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"God Bless All Nations" -- See above.
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"God Bless All Nations, but they get two to the chest and one to the head if they try to kill me or mine." -- "I'm sane."
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"Liberal" -- "Economically/politically a totalitarian; morally a slutt (TH will not accept this word w/normal spelling.)"
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"Do you think she's pretty?" -- "I want to start an argument."
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"Conservative Republican" -- "On the endangered list."
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"9/11 was an inside job, perpetrated by Bush." -- 1. "I am a complete wacko." 2. "I am retarded." 3. "I'm doing a parody of moonbats."
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"We don't have enough money in the budget for this course." -- "We spent all our money on diversity training."
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"I don't understand how I could get such a low grade? I turned in the paper, and I did pretty good on most of the quizzes." -- "I'm an idiot who rarely came to class, who doesn't understand what those zeroes at the top of all my quizzes meant, and who never read the directions for the paper."
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"Feminist" -- 1. "Fat, pale, ugly, lesbian, man-hater with a horrible personality" 2. "Deathly thin, pale, ugly, heterosexual, man-hater with a wussy boyfriend and a horrible personality" 3. "Wussy man of any shape or size"
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"Metrosexual" -- "Homosexual man who hasn't yet realized that he's gay."
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"Two-party system" -- "Two sides of the same wooden nickel."
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"(Something nice), but..." -- "I'm going to insult you, but I wanted to say something nice first so I don't feel so bad."
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"No, I only want one. I'm not very hungry." -- "You better buy two extra, unless you want me to eat yours."
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"The Oscars/Emmys/Tonys/etc." -- "Masturbatory exercises in the celebration of decadence and mediocrity."
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"Sarah Jessica Parker" -- "A woman whose face looks like somebody's foot."
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"Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Britney Spears" -- "Celebritard"
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"The NBA" -- "Federal Prison Work Release Program"
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"La Raza" -- "The Klan with a Tan"
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"Weapon-free zone" -- "Defenseless victim zone"
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"Man-caused global warming" -- "Unicorns, Santa Claus, and Leprechauns"
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"Immigration reform" -- "Amnesty for millions of criminals"
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"Nico's Taco Shop's green chile burrito [Squiddy would say Jackson Diner Indian food in Flushing Queens]" -- "Heaven on earth"